chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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