He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He? As in you personified your dick?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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