just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
