I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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