I am puke
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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