Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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