if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
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It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
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I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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