I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
