i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
