You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
