we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
