Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss