i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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