Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
