dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
