nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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