He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize