I hate your face
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
