My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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