Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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