I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize