guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
