Well douche your snatch and let's go!
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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