someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
only you would photoshop your dick
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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