You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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