I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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