this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
