wanna go halves on a baby?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
