end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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