Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
