Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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