if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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