Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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