I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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