if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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