You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
