Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
