Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
