1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
two words...techno handjob
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
