i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
