if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I had to cum in my sink.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
