What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
