I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
