does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
