I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
