I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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