That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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