it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
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She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
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You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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