hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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