i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
