So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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