Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
