Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
