Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
