Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
barbara walters just said penis...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
