guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
