No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
