the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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